Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Birds Chirping
One morning as I was getting ready for work I stopped to smile because... what was that I heard? Were my ears be playing tricks on me? No! It really IS that sound of birds chirping early in the morning. I haven't heard that sound in a long time. Surely it must be one of the first signs of spring!! Moment of Win!! Chirp on birdies!!! (except when you wake me up when I'm still trying to sleep)
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Conquering A Fear
I left everything familiar this weekend and packed some stuff up and checked into a hotel. I needed to clear my head. I needed to get away. I needed to do something FOR MYSELF BY MYSELF.
This was quite possibly one of the best weekends ever. As well as one of the most difficult. I spent a lot of time thinking and journaling trying to face my problems, feelings, as well as my fears.
This weekend I learned that I'm really good at shutting the world out. I'm perfectly happy secluding myself and keeping to my own devices. I fulfill my social interaction void by hiding behind a computer. This is something I need to work on and I didn't put it off any longer. Today, I faced one of my fears successfully. My fear is going out and doing things by myself. After checking out of my hotel (man, i'm going to miss that sleep number bed and the quiet), I drove myself to a restaurant and sat at a booth and ate ALL ALONE. It was a little bit easier because I had my journal and pen in hand to write down a lot of things I was thinking and feeling at that moment. Once I was done eating, paid my bill and left, I sat in my car and smiled. I DID IT!! So here I am, sharing this MOMENT OF WIN. Brought to you by the bacon avocado burrito at Denny's.
This was quite possibly one of the best weekends ever. As well as one of the most difficult. I spent a lot of time thinking and journaling trying to face my problems, feelings, as well as my fears.
This weekend I learned that I'm really good at shutting the world out. I'm perfectly happy secluding myself and keeping to my own devices. I fulfill my social interaction void by hiding behind a computer. This is something I need to work on and I didn't put it off any longer. Today, I faced one of my fears successfully. My fear is going out and doing things by myself. After checking out of my hotel (man, i'm going to miss that sleep number bed and the quiet), I drove myself to a restaurant and sat at a booth and ate ALL ALONE. It was a little bit easier because I had my journal and pen in hand to write down a lot of things I was thinking and feeling at that moment. Once I was done eating, paid my bill and left, I sat in my car and smiled. I DID IT!! So here I am, sharing this MOMENT OF WIN. Brought to you by the bacon avocado burrito at Denny's.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Perfectly Ripe Fruit
When it comes to mornings lets just say I'm NOT a morning person. I hit snooze as many times possible. I wait until I absolutely *have* to drag my butt out of bed. I allow myself JUST enough time to get ready to leave and only end up a *little* bit late for work. Unfortunately it doesnt leave much time for breakfast. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day so I refuse to skip it. So, in my situation I'm a grab and go kind of girl. Fresh fruit is my breakfast of choice. There is nothing better than the perfectly ripened fruit. For instance, a very hit or miss fruit is a banana. Eat it when it's too green and it's bitter. Once it starts devoloping those brown spots it's all mushy. Who likes to eat mush besides babies? And that's only because they don't know any better yet. *wrinkles nose* But in some cases the banana is at the perfect moment of ripeness where there's no mush and no bitterness just the best tasting fruit you've ever had in your life! MOMENT OF WIN!! *fistpump* ... or until you happen to be lucky again and grab another perfectly ripe piece of fruit. But until that day, this moment may very well have made your morning. Carry on in your perfectly ripened fruit bliss my friend, carry on.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
They Call Me...
In case you're coming across this blog for the first time and have NO idea what Second Life is... it's a computer game that I play. I hate calling it a game. To some people, it may just be a game but it's not to me. Second Life is a virtual world. It's kind of hard to explain, but the short version is it's like a big huge chat room, well a program with a bunch of chat rooms on different servers or "sims" where you're not just a screen name, you're an avatar and you interact with other people and their avatars and uhhh... OK just wikipedia it. Second Life tends to get a lot more bad press than good because that's the kind of news that gets peoples attention.
For me, Second Life has been a great comfort. It's helped shape me into who I am today. That's a pretty big deal, to be a part of something that is so life changing. I've made friends there when I felt I didn't have any, it's been a creative outlet, it's allowed me to become a stronger person, it's been an emotional support when my real life was too difficult to deal with on my own. Most of all, I've built a family. In the real world, we don't get to choose who we're related to. Our relatives are our relatives whether we like them or not. In Second Life, we may not be family by blood but we are family by our hearts. I have been so blessed to be surrounded by the people that I have been. Some of them we talk every day, some of them we no longer talk at all. But they've all left imprints on my heart. While I've opened my heart up to them, they have also opened theirs up to me. I don't take my relationships lightly and genuinely feel blessed to be a part of their lives. Without them, a broken heart would be unbearable, my work days would be more stressful and my world (both of them) would feel so lonely.
Everything I've just said is a "Moment of Win" on it's own but there's something that I have to mention that is so precious to me. Every time I hear this phrase when I'm logged in I can't help but smile.
My SL children and when they call me "Mommy". I'm not a parent in the real world, but one day I hope to be. In my Second Life though, I am. I'm naturally maternal so of course I gravitated towards the family life and "kid world" of Second Life. I am so lucky that my kids feel the kind of connection with me to honor me with that title. I don't take it for granted and hope to be the best "SL" mother I can be as well as their "RL" friend.
For me, Second Life has been a great comfort. It's helped shape me into who I am today. That's a pretty big deal, to be a part of something that is so life changing. I've made friends there when I felt I didn't have any, it's been a creative outlet, it's allowed me to become a stronger person, it's been an emotional support when my real life was too difficult to deal with on my own. Most of all, I've built a family. In the real world, we don't get to choose who we're related to. Our relatives are our relatives whether we like them or not. In Second Life, we may not be family by blood but we are family by our hearts. I have been so blessed to be surrounded by the people that I have been. Some of them we talk every day, some of them we no longer talk at all. But they've all left imprints on my heart. While I've opened my heart up to them, they have also opened theirs up to me. I don't take my relationships lightly and genuinely feel blessed to be a part of their lives. Without them, a broken heart would be unbearable, my work days would be more stressful and my world (both of them) would feel so lonely.
Everything I've just said is a "Moment of Win" on it's own but there's something that I have to mention that is so precious to me. Every time I hear this phrase when I'm logged in I can't help but smile.
My SL children and when they call me "Mommy". I'm not a parent in the real world, but one day I hope to be. In my Second Life though, I am. I'm naturally maternal so of course I gravitated towards the family life and "kid world" of Second Life. I am so lucky that my kids feel the kind of connection with me to honor me with that title. I don't take it for granted and hope to be the best "SL" mother I can be as well as their "RL" friend.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Candy Stash
Sometimes I have these moments where all of a sudden I want... no... NEED something sweet. This kind of craving can't be appeased with the "good for you" kind of sweet that's provided by healthy things like fruit or yogurt. The only way this feeling will go away is if I can find the BAD FOR you kind of sweet that can only be found in something like a candy bar (Whatchamacallit's anyone?). I've tried to fight it, it doesn't work. When denied for too long this annoying voice inside of me keeps poking at my brain repeatedly until I go off in search of said junk food. Since I've started a healthier lifestyle, I don't keep junk food on hand very readily. BUT THEN *points a finger in the air matter of factly* I remember, I have a small candy stash that can easily be forgotten about but is very convenient in these kinds of emergencies in a plastic tupperware container in my closet. MOMENT OF WIN. One mini Crunch bar later and my candy craving is gone and all is right with the world again. *sighs happily*
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Winter Crispness
Snow and I have a very love/hate relationship. I love to play in it. I love how sparkly it looks but I hate to drive in it. Especially when my anti-lock braking system decides to kick in while three deer run in front of my car. But that's more of moment for my other blog "Blah... that sucks" hehe.
I had to go outside to fill the furnace with wood and as soon as I opened the door, I caught a deep breath of wintery fresh crisp air and all I could say to myself was "this is SO a Moment of Win"
I had to go outside to fill the furnace with wood and as soon as I opened the door, I caught a deep breath of wintery fresh crisp air and all I could say to myself was "this is SO a Moment of Win"
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Say "I love you"
I realize that some of my "Moments of Win" are laced with sadness. I'm afraid this one is going to be much the same. I'm a typical person that's struggling to see the good in all things bad. I'm trying to learn from the negative and build myself to be a stronger and better person than I was before. In the process, I'm trying to not let my grief and personal anguish rule my life. I'm just trying to be happy.
This post is very dear to my heart. If you have the patience to sit here and read through it, I greatly appreciate it. It's one of my "life lessons" so to speak. I don't typically open up because I'm cautious by nature. I've been hurt by people in the past that have used my weaknesses against me. I feel this lesson is important enough that I'm willing to announce my shame in the hope that you can learn from my mistakes. This isn't easy for me, I can already feel the tears building up behind my eyes as I think about what I'm going to say.
My grandfather passed away from cancer. He had battled colon cancer for years. He had gone through so many surgeries over the years but unfortunately the cancer spread and he was diagnosed with lung cancer. It was determined that it was terminal and his strong will (and stubborness) kept him alive longer than any doctor could have ever predicted. Toward the end, when it got to the point he was bedridden, our family had hospice coming in to take care of him and monitor him. During the last week of his life, I was house sitting for my sister and her family because they were out of town. I can recall my mom calling me, urging me to come see my grandfather, that he didn't have much time left. For whatever reason, I just kept pushing it off. You see, at this point I had never lost anyone close to me before. My grandparents lived with my parents and I so we could help take care of them. It was hard to watch him deteriorate. There were days I would watch him struggle to simply eat. I would have to run to my bedroom and cry because I didn't want to cry in front of him. He was always a proud man and I knew he didn't want my pity. In reality I didn't cry in pity, I cried because someone I loved dearly was in so much pain and I couldn't do anything to help or fix it. I cried because I knew that one day he would be gone from this earth forever.
I have no idea what I was thinking when I was avoiding the situation. I don't think I could face seeing him bedridden and weak. Perhaps I felt if I pushed it aside and pretended it wasn't happening, I wouldn't have to face it and it didn't exist. I was very wrong though. This was very real no matter how much I didn't want to accept that fact. Finally, I was able to return home and I remember that night very clearly. As soon as I got home I walked down the hallway of our house to go to my grandparents apartment (also called an in-law suite) and I just stopped. I was frozen. I could hear my aunt and uncle with him and I didn't want to interrupt. I remember I talked myself out of going. I thought to myself "It's late, I'll go to bed and come visit after work tomorrow". I also silently stood there and tried to telepathically send a message to my grandfather letting him know that I love him and I'm sorry I couldn't be a better granddaughter.
That night, my mom woke me up to let me know that my grandpa was gone. I just sat up in my bed, in shock. I remember saying "why can't I cry?". Little did I know, the next three days were a complete blur because that was all I did do, was cry. I couldn't sleep, completely engrossed in my own guilt "why didn't I, why couldn't I, I should have...". I would replay it over and over in my head. The day of the funeral all I can rememeber is my grandmother crying hysterically and yelling at me telling me how I'm a horrible granddaughter because I never came. He had asked for me.
To this day, It's so difficult for me to visit his grave. For me, it's not a place to connect with him or a place of peace. It's a constant reminder of the guilt and regret I will forever carry with me for the rest of my life.
I'm sure you're all familiar with the saying "Live life with no regrets, every decision you make and everything you've gone through makes you who you are today". While I do agree, had I not gone through what I've been through in my life I wouldn't be the exact same person I am today. But I can not say I live with no regrets. There's so much I wish I would have done. I wish I would have spent more time with him. There are so many stories of his life that I no longer have the opportunity to hear because I was too busy being selfish and out with my friends. I wish I would have just mustered up the courage to walk through the doorway, and hold his hand and tell him I love him for the last time. Because not going to see my grandfather and giving up my chance to say my "goodbye" and have my closure will be a devastating thing I will never, ever, no matter how much time passes by, get over.
The lesson: Don't waste your time. It's easy to get caught up in drama. It's easy to hold onto anger and hurt. It's easy to feel like you'll have plenty of time to do XYZ. No matter how angry you are, always say "I love you" to the people you care about. No matter how busy life gets or how caught up in drama you can be in, take a moment and stop to think about the people that are there for you no matter what. Let them know you care. It can be as simple as saying "hello, how are you today?". Stop and think: "what if this person died tomorrow? how would that make me feel?". I realize that's a morbid thought but if we all stopped to think that way we'd realize there's a lot we leave unsaid because we're afraid or we think we'll have plenty of time to do so. Visit your grandparents and listen to their corny stories about "way back when". Randomly visit a friend you haven't seen in a while. Open that IM box and say "Hi" to someone you haven't talked to in a while, or you haven't talked to since 3pm. Stop making excuses why you shouldn't or can't or don't do things. I urge you. Don't wait. Just do it. You never know when it will be your last chance.
So, my "Moment of Win" is when someone tells me they love me. Because of what I've been through, and the mistakes I've made, I take that phrase to heart. It means more to me than anyone could possibly imagine. And when I tell you "I love you", know that I mean it. Also, do not take it lightly because when I say those three little words there's a silent meaning worth more than a billion words. When I say I love you, I'm really saying "I love you. I have to let you know this because you really mean a lot to me. You're someone I don't ever want to imagine my life without. If by chance someday you're no longer in my life, at least I know I got the chance to say it and you're forever a part of my heart and you've made an impact on me."
This post is very dear to my heart. If you have the patience to sit here and read through it, I greatly appreciate it. It's one of my "life lessons" so to speak. I don't typically open up because I'm cautious by nature. I've been hurt by people in the past that have used my weaknesses against me. I feel this lesson is important enough that I'm willing to announce my shame in the hope that you can learn from my mistakes. This isn't easy for me, I can already feel the tears building up behind my eyes as I think about what I'm going to say.
My grandfather passed away from cancer. He had battled colon cancer for years. He had gone through so many surgeries over the years but unfortunately the cancer spread and he was diagnosed with lung cancer. It was determined that it was terminal and his strong will (and stubborness) kept him alive longer than any doctor could have ever predicted. Toward the end, when it got to the point he was bedridden, our family had hospice coming in to take care of him and monitor him. During the last week of his life, I was house sitting for my sister and her family because they were out of town. I can recall my mom calling me, urging me to come see my grandfather, that he didn't have much time left. For whatever reason, I just kept pushing it off. You see, at this point I had never lost anyone close to me before. My grandparents lived with my parents and I so we could help take care of them. It was hard to watch him deteriorate. There were days I would watch him struggle to simply eat. I would have to run to my bedroom and cry because I didn't want to cry in front of him. He was always a proud man and I knew he didn't want my pity. In reality I didn't cry in pity, I cried because someone I loved dearly was in so much pain and I couldn't do anything to help or fix it. I cried because I knew that one day he would be gone from this earth forever.
I have no idea what I was thinking when I was avoiding the situation. I don't think I could face seeing him bedridden and weak. Perhaps I felt if I pushed it aside and pretended it wasn't happening, I wouldn't have to face it and it didn't exist. I was very wrong though. This was very real no matter how much I didn't want to accept that fact. Finally, I was able to return home and I remember that night very clearly. As soon as I got home I walked down the hallway of our house to go to my grandparents apartment (also called an in-law suite) and I just stopped. I was frozen. I could hear my aunt and uncle with him and I didn't want to interrupt. I remember I talked myself out of going. I thought to myself "It's late, I'll go to bed and come visit after work tomorrow". I also silently stood there and tried to telepathically send a message to my grandfather letting him know that I love him and I'm sorry I couldn't be a better granddaughter.
That night, my mom woke me up to let me know that my grandpa was gone. I just sat up in my bed, in shock. I remember saying "why can't I cry?". Little did I know, the next three days were a complete blur because that was all I did do, was cry. I couldn't sleep, completely engrossed in my own guilt "why didn't I, why couldn't I, I should have...". I would replay it over and over in my head. The day of the funeral all I can rememeber is my grandmother crying hysterically and yelling at me telling me how I'm a horrible granddaughter because I never came. He had asked for me.
To this day, It's so difficult for me to visit his grave. For me, it's not a place to connect with him or a place of peace. It's a constant reminder of the guilt and regret I will forever carry with me for the rest of my life.
I'm sure you're all familiar with the saying "Live life with no regrets, every decision you make and everything you've gone through makes you who you are today". While I do agree, had I not gone through what I've been through in my life I wouldn't be the exact same person I am today. But I can not say I live with no regrets. There's so much I wish I would have done. I wish I would have spent more time with him. There are so many stories of his life that I no longer have the opportunity to hear because I was too busy being selfish and out with my friends. I wish I would have just mustered up the courage to walk through the doorway, and hold his hand and tell him I love him for the last time. Because not going to see my grandfather and giving up my chance to say my "goodbye" and have my closure will be a devastating thing I will never, ever, no matter how much time passes by, get over.
The lesson: Don't waste your time. It's easy to get caught up in drama. It's easy to hold onto anger and hurt. It's easy to feel like you'll have plenty of time to do XYZ. No matter how angry you are, always say "I love you" to the people you care about. No matter how busy life gets or how caught up in drama you can be in, take a moment and stop to think about the people that are there for you no matter what. Let them know you care. It can be as simple as saying "hello, how are you today?". Stop and think: "what if this person died tomorrow? how would that make me feel?". I realize that's a morbid thought but if we all stopped to think that way we'd realize there's a lot we leave unsaid because we're afraid or we think we'll have plenty of time to do so. Visit your grandparents and listen to their corny stories about "way back when". Randomly visit a friend you haven't seen in a while. Open that IM box and say "Hi" to someone you haven't talked to in a while, or you haven't talked to since 3pm. Stop making excuses why you shouldn't or can't or don't do things. I urge you. Don't wait. Just do it. You never know when it will be your last chance.
So, my "Moment of Win" is when someone tells me they love me. Because of what I've been through, and the mistakes I've made, I take that phrase to heart. It means more to me than anyone could possibly imagine. And when I tell you "I love you", know that I mean it. Also, do not take it lightly because when I say those three little words there's a silent meaning worth more than a billion words. When I say I love you, I'm really saying "I love you. I have to let you know this because you really mean a lot to me. You're someone I don't ever want to imagine my life without. If by chance someday you're no longer in my life, at least I know I got the chance to say it and you're forever a part of my heart and you've made an impact on me."
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