Say "I love you"

I realize that some of my "Moments of Win" are laced with sadness. I'm afraid this one is going to be much the same. I'm a typical person that's struggling to see the good in all things bad. I'm trying to learn from the negative and build myself to be a stronger and better person than I was before. In the process, I'm trying to not let my grief and personal anguish rule my life. I'm just trying to be happy.

This post is very dear to my heart. If you have the patience to sit here and read through it, I greatly appreciate it. It's one of my "life lessons" so to speak. I don't typically open up because I'm cautious by nature. I've been hurt by people in the past that have used my weaknesses against me. I feel this lesson is important enough that I'm willing to announce my shame in the hope that you can learn from my mistakes. This isn't easy for me, I can already feel the tears building up behind my eyes as I think about what I'm going to say.

My grandfather passed away from cancer. He had battled colon cancer for years. He had gone through so many surgeries over the years but unfortunately the cancer spread and he was diagnosed with lung cancer. It was determined that it was terminal and his strong will (and stubborness) kept him alive longer than any doctor could have ever predicted. Toward the end, when it got to the point he was bedridden, our family had hospice coming in to take care of him and monitor him. During the last week of his life, I was house sitting for my sister and her family because they were out of town. I can recall my mom calling me, urging me to come see my grandfather, that he didn't have much time left. For whatever reason, I just kept pushing it off. You see, at this point I had never lost anyone close to me before. My grandparents lived with my parents and I so we could help take care of them. It was hard to watch him deteriorate. There were days I would watch him struggle to simply eat. I would have to run to my bedroom and cry because I didn't want to cry in front of him. He was always a proud man and I knew he didn't want my pity. In reality I didn't cry in pity, I cried because someone I loved dearly was in so much pain and I couldn't do anything to help or fix it. I cried because I knew that one day he would be gone from this earth forever.

I have no idea what I was thinking when I was avoiding the situation. I don't think I could face seeing him bedridden and weak. Perhaps I felt if I pushed it aside and pretended it wasn't happening, I wouldn't have to face it and it didn't exist. I was very wrong though. This was very real no matter how much I didn't want to accept that fact. Finally, I was able to return home and I remember that night very clearly. As soon as I got home I walked down the hallway of our house to go to my grandparents apartment (also called an in-law suite) and I just stopped. I was frozen. I could hear my aunt and uncle with him and I didn't want to interrupt. I remember I talked myself out of going. I thought to myself "It's late, I'll go to bed and come visit after work tomorrow". I also silently stood there and tried to telepathically send a message to my grandfather letting him know that I love him and I'm sorry I couldn't be a better granddaughter.

That night, my mom woke me up to let me know that my grandpa was gone. I just sat up in my bed, in shock. I remember saying "why can't I cry?". Little did I know, the next three days were a complete blur because that was all I did do, was cry. I couldn't sleep, completely engrossed in my own guilt "why didn't I, why couldn't I, I should have...". I would replay it over and over in my head. The day of the funeral all I can rememeber is my grandmother crying hysterically and yelling at me telling me how I'm a horrible granddaughter because I never came. He had asked for me.

To this day, It's so difficult for me to visit his grave. For me, it's not a place to connect with him or a place of peace. It's a constant reminder of the guilt and regret I will forever carry with me for the rest of my life.

I'm sure you're all familiar with the saying "Live life with no regrets, every decision you make and everything you've gone through makes you who you are today". While I do agree, had I not gone through what I've been through in my life I wouldn't be the exact same person I am today. But I can not say I live with no regrets. There's so much I wish I would have done. I wish I would have spent more time with him. There are so many stories of his life that I no longer have the opportunity to hear because I was too busy being selfish and out with my friends. I wish I would have just mustered up the courage to walk through the doorway, and hold his hand and tell him I love him for the last time. Because not going to see my grandfather and giving up my chance to say my "goodbye" and have my closure will be a devastating thing I will never, ever, no matter how much time passes by, get over.

The lesson: Don't waste your time. It's easy to get caught up in drama. It's easy to hold onto anger and hurt. It's easy to feel like you'll have plenty of time to do XYZ. No matter how angry you are, always say "I love you" to the people you care about. No matter how busy life gets or how caught up in drama you can be in, take a moment and stop to think about the people that are there for you no matter what. Let them know you care. It can be as simple as saying "hello, how are you today?". Stop and think: "what if this person died tomorrow? how would that make me feel?". I realize that's a morbid thought but if we all stopped to think that way we'd realize there's a lot we leave unsaid because we're afraid or we think we'll have plenty of time to do so. Visit your grandparents and listen to their corny stories about "way back when". Randomly visit a friend you haven't seen in a while. Open that IM box and say "Hi" to someone you haven't talked to in a while, or you haven't talked to since 3pm. Stop making excuses why you shouldn't or can't or don't do things. I urge you. Don't wait. Just do it. You never know when it will be your last chance.

So, my "Moment of Win" is when someone tells me they love me. Because of what I've been through, and the mistakes I've made, I take that phrase to heart. It means more to me than anyone could possibly imagine. And when I tell you "I love you", know that I mean it. Also, do not take it lightly because when I say those three little words there's a silent meaning worth more than a billion words. When I say I love you, I'm really saying "I love you. I have to let you know this because you really mean a lot to me. You're someone I don't ever want to imagine my life without. If by chance someday you're no longer in my life, at least I know I got the chance to say it and you're forever a part of my heart and you've made an impact on me."